You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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