Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
