the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
