just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
