You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
