I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
