i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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