I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
