Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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