You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There's always time for handjobs
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
