In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
