why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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