My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
