just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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