nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
