i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
