I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
