You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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