I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
