I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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