Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
