I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
