I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
