Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
