he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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