We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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