I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
foreskin is a definite game changer
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
