It's like God shit irony all over that family
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
