Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Someone came in the potted fern
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
