I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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