whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
