My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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