let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
