My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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