I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
