Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
