i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Success! We fucked roommates!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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