i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
