A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
