I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
