He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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