You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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