i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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