How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
