at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Is it because I queefed?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Randomize
