I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
