I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
