theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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