I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
