please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
