dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
